Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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