i think my tv is drunk
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
