you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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