So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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