if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
