hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
