my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish you could order shots online.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
