HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
