R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
