my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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