Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
