You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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