Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
ttyl tear gas
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
