From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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