Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
