Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
