I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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