david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
