Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize