OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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