I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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