Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
