Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
