Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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