I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
