video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
