she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
