I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
