just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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