my phone needs a breathalizer
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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