Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
