he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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