I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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