god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
