I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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