They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
