jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
