I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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