I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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