My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
