i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
