Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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