Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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