just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
