I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
