my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
