He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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