I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize