My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
