note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
