May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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