Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
