My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
