Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
