tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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