you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize