walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
