does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
