dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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