I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
