I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Houston, we have a squirter
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize