i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
