meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
In other news, I just burned my penis
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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