I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize