you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
